For the past six months, my Mondays have consisted of watching other people fall in love. I spend hours watching romantic, yet unrealistic dates that consist of traveling to Thailand or helicopter rides over mountain ranges at sunset, and I pity my much more pathetic (and basically nonexistent) love life. I realized that in order to make it through this somewhat depressing, yet addicting show, I’d need a bottle – or three – of something stronger than H2O.
Then, ABC did something incredible. It created Bachelor in Paradise and it makes The Bachelor look like a snoozefest. Drama, dates, crying over the same guy – it might sound like your typical Bachelor episode, but in reality it’s so much more than that.
So stock up on a few bottles of wine, because your Monday nights are about to get much more interesting.
Take a sip anytime someone says…
This could be the person that I’m going to marry!
I really want to be here.
I can’t believe I’m in this beautiful location with the man of my dreams!
Guys, there’s a date card! Cue obnoxious squealing.
I just want to find love.
I’m so nervous about the rose ceremony tonight.
If she pulls him aside I’m going to say something. She already has a rose!
I’m not here to make friends.
I couldn’t imagine a more perfect person to have brought on this date with me.
It’s nothing you’ve ever seen on The Bachelor before!
I just really want to spend more time with her.
He’s not even here for the right reasons!
This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.
I can really picture myself spending the rest of my life with her.
Chug your drink anytime someone…
Cries over a man they’ve known a week.
Makes out in an ocean.
Takes off their shirt.
Actually eats the food in font of them (don’t hold your breath).
Gets in a hot tub.
Confesses they’re “falling in love” before the finale.
Finish your drink anytime these words are used:
Journey, adventure, fairy tale, experience.
Please drink responsibly.*
You’re welcome everyone.
*I will not be held accountable for any embarrassing shit you do while wasted. Ain’t nobody got time for that.