It hasn’t been my week. I feel like Austin Powers in the sense that I’ve lost my mo-jo. The past few days have been tough. It’s been a rough week at work, a rough week away from my family and friends, just a rough week in general.
It’s been one of those weeks where you feel like nothing you do is good enough. When you give it everything you’ve got and it’s just not enough. That feeling that anything you do will never be enough, even when you’re giving it your all. It’s a feeling of helplessness and, in my case, failure. I feel like I’m letting people down. And, unfortunately, it’s the way I’ve been feeling all week.
The past couple of days, I have honestly never wanted to give up more in my life. I was ready to throw in the towel, walk away from the life I’ve built for myself and never look bad. This week has caused me to question if I’m where I’m supposed to be at this point in my life.
I don’t take failure well. I’m not used to not being good at something. I don’t mean that to sound conceited, but at every obstacle in my life, if I wanted something and worked hard enough for it, I was able to achieve it.
This is the first time in my life that I haven’t been an “all-star” at something I’ve given my all. I really have to work at this, and I’m not used to it. And then I realized, I’m a quitter.
I don’t quit when I’m losing a game or when I don’t agree with a decision at work. I quit when I’m scared to fail. I run away from the prospect of failure. I would rather avoid a situation full of opportunity if there’s a chance I won’t succeed.
Then it dawned on me. I’ve turned into the type of person whose immediate instinct is to run away when things get tough. Being a perfectionist, I would rather not try at all instead of trying and failing. And then I cried.
That’s not me. This is not who I am. I’m the girl who lives for adventure, who 100% truly believes with all of her heart in taking advantage of opportunities, who believes everything happens for a reason. Who is this girl I’ve turned into? She’s a stranger to me.
I don’t want to be that girl. The girl who misses out on the joys of life because she’s scared. I won’t be that girl.
I made a vow. I’m going to turn over a new leaf. I’m going to seek the beauty in every situation, even situations I’ve failed. Because every situation I haven’t succeeded in has taught me something, taught me something that I can learn from. And that right there, is the silver lining even in the worst situations.
I feel bad I’ve been missing in action the past couple of days, both on the blog and in real life. I’ve been mentally checked out while trying to get my head together.
I’ve had enough of being afraid, of being sad, of dwelling on the past. I’m ready to take chances, take risks, and jump into every opportunity headfirst. Life isn’t worth living unless you’re living it to the fullest.
So, who’s with me?